How I...Forgive

I grew up hearing about forgiveness.  I heard how Jesus forgave me for my sins.  I was taught to forgive when somebody broke my crayons or stepped on my toe.  Children forget and move on so easily.  Playing is more fun than being mad.  Really, forgiveness was a vague concept for me back then.  As an adult, forgiveness has proven to be much more complicated.  How do I know I've really forgiven and moved on, especially when the issue keeps popping it's ugly self up?

I remember that first bowled-over-punched-in-the-gut feeling.  The betrayal knocked the wind right out of me.  What I hated most was that as much as I wanted to hurt that person back, I knew I had to forgive them.  As much as I wanted them to feel the exact shame, stupidity, naivete and betrayal that they made me feel, I had to let go of my right to stay angry.  And trust me - I felt entitled to it.  I had been wronged.  No doubt about it.

It felt so unfair.  Here I was left holding my broken heart in one hand and my anger in the other.  I now had the responsibility of sorting out those feelings and trying to figure out how to forgive and I WAS NOT THE ONE WHO HAD DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!  It felt like they got off easy. 

This is what I have learned:

Anger is not a sin.  Uncontrolled anger and a temper are.  There are situations when anger is a correct, normal emotion.  I learned that it is okay to acknowledge my anger and to let myself be angry.   But I can't stop there.  I mean, I guess I could, but I don't want to shrivel up into an angry and bitter person.

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger...  Ephesians 4:26

Unforgiveness is a sin.  It is not an option for the believer.  We are commanded to forgive, just as Christ has forgiven us.

  If you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you don’t forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your sins.  - Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness is not sweeping what a person did under the rug.  It does not make what they did okay.  It definitely does not mean that I am a doormat to continue abusing and walking over.  It does not even mean that I have to continue a relationship with that person.  Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.  Unfortunately, sometimes reconciliation is not possible.

It is not up to me to decide whether a person is truly sorrowful for what they did or just sorry they got caught.  That is between them and God.  My responsibility is for myself.  My heart.  My anger.  My forgiveness.   

How do I forgive?

All at once and then a little bit at a time.

I forgive all at once by intentionally making the decision that I am going to forgive.   But it doesn't stop there.

I may still feel hurt.  And anger.  And betrayal.  That person may not be on my favorites list.  This is when I forgive a little bit at a time.  Every time I am reminded about how I have been wronged, I have to choose again to forgive. 

Wouldn't it be great if we chose once to forgive and that would be the end of it?  That may be the case over spilt milk, but in many situations, forgiveness is a process.  A habit.  Sometimes I must choose forgiveness daily - or moment by moment.  Just like I must choose joy daily.  Just like I have to choose whether or not I am going to exercise today.  Or pray.  Or have a good attitude.  Every. Single. Day.  I have to choose.  Some days I mess it up big time.  I am just too weary ... or lazy, to fight for it.  I spend the day angry and sad and miserable.  I do not want those days to become my every day.

I have found that as time has passed, the wounds have begun to heal.  I find that I am no longer consumed by all the feelings.  The scars remain.  Reminders pop up.  Sometimes I feel some irritation, but as long as I don't pick at it - it subsides.  I continue to choose forgiveness.  Because, although some really sucky things have happened, mostly, really great things have happened to me.  Like Jesus and His forgiveness.  Like a family and a home and friendship.  Like summer and gardens and Christmas and pretty lights.  I have too many good things to live for.  So today, I choose forgiveness because I am worth it.  And so are you.

- Liv

This post is a part of a weekly link-up over at wheregivinghappens.com.  Click the button below to read more "How I..." posts.  The next link-up is on July 9th and is on "How I ... Listen".  Join in?  

 

How I Write

I love blogging.  I think often about you and what I want to say to you.  I wish I could write here more frequently because I like you so much!

I started blogging for two reasons:

1) I have always enjoyed writing, but like many things we love in life - I rarely made time for it.  I wanted to have a reason to force myself to slow down and just do it.  And you are a great reason!  I love writing to you!

I've kept a journal for as long as I can remember.  When we were assigned book reports in grade school, I secretly did a happy dance while the rest of the class moaned.  I wondered why everyone dreaded it so much - I just wrote what came into my mind and it sounded like how I think.  It came so much easier to me than math.  Writing allows me to sort my thoughts so I can say exactly what I mean.  I feel like you really get to know a person by how and what they write.  It's so personal.  If I have something important to say to you I am going to write it, because when I say it out loud, it doesn't seem to come out right.

2) I wanted to create a space for encouragement.  Being a wife, mommy, daughter, sister, friend and human in general can be hard and we need each other!

At this point I don't keep a schedule.  If something is on my mind, I write it.  In anything I write, I am preaching to myself.  If I write a post encouraging you to see your value, it is because I am feeling inadequate myself.  It takes me anywhere from a few hours to several days to write a post.  No matter how long it takes - I can't concentrate on anything else until I've hit publish!  I become obsessed!  I have a writing room, which I love to use because it's pretty and smells nice, but my favorite spot is in between the sheets with a cup of something and my thoughts.  I do my best thinking in the morning after a good nights sleep.  I'm a morning person fer shur.

As with anything, I have plentiful seasons and I have dry seasons.  I keep quiet during the scarce times because I never want to write empty words just to fill space.  Ain't nobody got time for that!  It's during these times that I most appreciate link-ups and prompts, because I really do want to talk to you!   I have met some of my biggest encouragers and the sweetest people through link-ups.  I am blessed to have come across such wonderful blogging communities!

And that is basically it.  Simple.  Very un-perfect.  I just ... write.  Because I love it.  And because I like you.  So  per chance somebody wanted my advice it would be this:

Just do it.  There is no perfect formula.  We have to start somewhere.  If I had waited until I had more time, or more experiences or did more research, I would never have begun.  Just take the first step.  And besides, it's cheap therapy!

 "Forget all the rules.  Forget about being published. Write for yourself and celebrate  writing." - Melinda Haynes

- Liv

 

  Click the "How I..." button to join the link-up or to read more posts

The "How I..." Community

I think I love link-ups!  I am joining the "How I..." community!

Elise Hurd over at The Giving Place recognizes that...

"We need each other’s wisdom, perspectives, and life experiences.

I have days where I am desperate for another approach to try, for a fresh perspective, for the words to say, for the prayer to pray, for a resource to try.

And I have experiences I would like to share without them coming across as a prescription for your circumstances." (Elise Hurd)

We all like to share what works for us in a myriad of situations and I appreciate all the help I can get from others.  But if you're like me, I'd much rather hear "this is how I do/did it" rather than "you should do this or that".  The first gives you the option to evaluate whatever bit of advice is being given and choose if it will work for your particular situation.  I would rather hear and learn from your story than be told what to do.

This is why Elise created the "How I..." community.  Each week she will post a prompt.  We will have an opportunity to share our experiences or perspective on the given prompt on our blogs or in the comments.

The first link-up goes live this Wednesday, June 11th.  The prompt is:

How I...Write

If you have a blog, you can head on over here to link up, or come back to LivGrace on Wednesday and join in on the comments or on Facebook.

Yay for learning from each others stories!